SWill,
i’m writing this on the couch as raven (the cat) is lying on my belly. i’m waiting for the dryer to be done but probably won’t get up until raven does, don’t want to disturb her. it’s raining outside.
this is kinda exciting and cool to receive your counsel. i’ve always been of the opinion that more minds are better than one. we are social creatures! i appreciate your willingness to share thoughts and love, it is nothing but love on my end for you two. you are especially good eggs in the basket of my life.
so, let’s get into it. will knows much of the background of what is bothering me right now. i was seeing this girl Deyana from last September to January of this year. it ended in a weird way, she broke things off, we got back together two weeks later for another two weeks then called things off again. it was weird, but it always felt like we still had feelings for each other. i wrote her a letter a month after things ended and we talked. still felt like we felt a connection but she didn’t think it was the right time to reconnect. i saw her in late may at a concert, and we met up a couple days later to chat about how we left things. she was voicing much more this time that she still felt something, but also that she didn’t have much time/bandwidth to process how things ended the time before. it was confusing. she was going through some really tough stuff at this time. she wasn’t talking too much, it was weird. i just sort of made the call that maybe now isn’t the right time again, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be at some point in the future. i can’t exactly remember how it came up but i floated the idea of catching up when classes start in the fall (she is starting a grad program at penn). at the time, i had felt this conversation went pretty well despite her being quiet although i attributed that to her mental/emotional state at the time which wasn’t super good. it was the closure i was seeking in a lot of ways while also keeping the door open for the future. although i have sometimes thought that i should mentally just close that door for good to help me get over the heartache of the whole ordeal. but i really do feel something special with deyana that i have very rarely or not at all felt in life.
this brings us to monday, i was eating lunch with my brother outside and i see Deyana walk by, but too far away to say hello. so i texted her to say hello, and asked if she wanted to get lunch when classes start/when she’s settled into her schedule. she seemed super receptive that day and asked if any days work best. unrelated i went to the dentist that day, and i survived. i texted back after the dentist saying what days of the week work best for me. but i have not received a text back since then. this time has given me the opportunity to think a bit:
should have i even reached out to her in the first place?
although i feel like i’m in a happy and healthy relationship with myself and my life to chat with Deyana, i sometimes think that maybe i should just try to move on from it all. in ways i feel like it’s been like an open wound that has never fully closed. will talking to her just open that back up again when moving on will finally help it close?
what are my intentions by chatting with her?
my ongoing life goal is to be more intentional. at this time i think i’d like to make it clear to Deyana what she means to me and reaffirm my openness to reconnect. but, haven’t i made this clear before? although, now might be a good time to reconnect if we are both in the right headspace to do that.
why hasn’t she texted me back?
i can’t help thinking about this, i’ve cut my digital life to have very little distractions. i doomscroll no more. a side product of this (i feel) is amplifying the rest of my digital life. although it’s just a stupid text, it feels much larger. i just need to get over myself here. if she doesn’t text back that’s a pretty clear indication of where she’s at so it’s all good. it’s all good is something i have to remember. i am #blessed, and sometimes feelings can consume my brain when really my life is full of blessings. sorry, just getting my affirmations down in words to help me.

okay here’s the last thing, it might make me sound crazy. maybe i am a little crazy. i’m a serial spotify friend stalker, i love looking at what my spotify friends are listening to. one of my favorite digital activities to do after cutting out most social media from my life. Deyana happens to be one of my spotify friends, i can’t help but notice playlists she makes around the times of our running into each other. i can’t help but feel they are about me and about how there are still feelings there. just like classic heartbreak/love songs and stuff like that. i gotta stop this, it is super confusing. but idk what if there is some truth to lyrics and stuff? this is hard to convey in writing. but i should probably stop doing this, it’s crazy behavior and doesn’t help at all.
i feel like this has become more for me than for you, sorry for the lengthy letter. idk what it is i’m seeking from your counsel. any advice, words for encouragement, or just sentiments of love, of it’s all gonna be okay. i feel like i have big emotions and everything now and then they start to get a little too big to manage. i know it’s gonna be okay, but i definitely feel some sort of spiraling at the current moment. oftentimes i feel fine the next day, but right now if there’s anything SWill can offer me, i have open arms.
thanks for reading, no need to reply if you can’t for any reason, i sure wouldn’t know how to reply to something like this. it’s reassuring to know someone has read it, to share these words, get them out my head.
love
matt